Charlie is in a cosleeper. He sleeps well in the cosleeper from about 7-8pm until maybe 1am on a good night. I generally end up feeding him and falling asleep with him in bed. If I put him back in the cosleeper for the second half of the night -- well, he doesn't go to sleep. So it takes the "sleeper" out of cosleeper.
So I'm generally fine with having him in bed, cosleeping for realsies. Except for nights like last night when he was ready to greet the day at 4am. That was not OK. No co-. No -sleeping. I brought him downstairs, took the Circle of Neglect (haha, I just love Gretchen's term for the Exersaucer) into the bathroom and took a hot shower. I wasn't handling being woken up early very well and I didn't have the capacity for kind words or loving touch. A shower was just what I needed.
By 5am, I was relaxed and scrubbed clean of most of the bitterness of being up well before the sun. I had a cup of coffee in hand and I was ready to face the day. Of course Charlie wanted a nap by then. We nursed and snuggled on the sofa, and listened to my husband saw wood over the baby monitor. I dozed off myself, but not comfortably since I wasn't correctly positioned or covered (remember, it is January in Pittsburgh!), and if I'm going to share sleep space, I want to do it safely and on the sofa is NOT safely.
I think we need to put the crib together. I think it's time to at least start to ease our way into it. Charlie will hopefully be rolling over and I don't think the cosleeper is safe at that point. And I think it's possible that if I'm not there next to him, I will be able to put him back down and if he stirs, he will be able to settle himself as he does in the first half of the night.
On the other hand... it feels wrong to think about not having him with us.